WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
