I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize