I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
