ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
