There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
