I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
