she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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