I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
