Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
