Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
