we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
