I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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