took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
