There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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