I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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