I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
