I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
