You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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