why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
