Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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