i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
