I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
