She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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