my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
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