Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
