I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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