When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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