I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
