All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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