worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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