look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
