i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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