Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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