Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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