my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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