Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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