If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
