So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
