Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize