Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize