That's when you crack a 10am beer
I could make wine with my vomit
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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