I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
