proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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