I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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