dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
