you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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