I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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