I didn't shave. On purpose
I skipped work to stalk him.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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