My hair reeks of homosexuality.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
