peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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