so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
