I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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