so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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