you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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