So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
