I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
