You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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