if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Soap is not a condiment
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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