last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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