I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
