I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
