Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
