there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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