I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
