Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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