Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
